Meet the disease where it’s at: how to talk with a parent who has Alzheimer’s
Your mom asks when Dad is getting home from work. Dad passed away six years ago.
Most of us answer the only way we know how. We tell her the truth. And then we watch her hear it like it’s the first time, because to her, it is.
If you’ve been there, you’re not alone. In Illinois, about 250,600 people age 65 and older are living with Alzheimer’s, and more than 465,000 family members and friends are caring for someone with dementia. A lot of those caregivers are adult children in Naperville, Wheaton, Downers Grove, and towns all across DuPage County, figuring this out one hard conversation at a time.
This week on Continuum, our host Ben Kribs sat down with Hadi Finerty, Director of Community Engagement at the Alzheimer’s Association Illinois Chapter. Hadi has spent more than 12 years teaching families how to care for someone with dementia, and one idea sits at the center of everything she teaches: meet the disease where it’s at.
Here’s what that means, and how it can change the conversations you’re having at home.
What does “meet the disease where it’s at” mean?
It means you stop trying to pull your parent back into your reality and step into theirs instead. Alzheimer’s changes the brain in ways reasoning can’t undo. Your parent isn’t being stubborn or difficult on purpose. Their brain is telling them something different than what you know to be true.
When you meet the disease where it’s at, the goal of a conversation shifts. It’s no longer about being right. It’s about helping your parent feel safe, calm, and respected in the moment they’re in.
Why doesn’t correcting a parent with Alzheimer’s work?
Correcting feels like the honest thing to do. But for someone with Alzheimer’s, a correction usually lands as one of three things:
- Confusion. They can’t hold onto the new information, so it doesn’t stick.
- Embarrassment. They sense they got something wrong, even if they can’t say what.
- Fresh grief. Telling someone their spouse died can make them grieve that loss all over again, every time.
The feeling stays long after the facts are gone. Your parent may forget the conversation in ten minutes, but they’ll still feel upset and not know why. That’s why winning the argument never really helps anyone.
What should you say to a parent with Alzheimer’s instead?
You don’t have to lie or play along with everything. Most of the time, you just need to respond to the feeling instead of the facts. A few examples:
| When your parent says… | Instead of… | Try… |
|---|---|---|
| “When is Dad coming home?” | “Mom, Dad died six years ago.” | “You miss him. Tell me about the day you two met.” |
| “I need to get to work.” | “You retired 15 years ago.” | “You always worked so hard. What was your favorite part of the job?” |
| “Someone stole my purse.” | “Nobody stole it. You lost it again.” | “That’s upsetting. Let’s look for it together.” |
| “I already ate.” (but didn’t) | “No you didn’t, I was here.” | “I’m a little hungry. Would you keep me company while I eat?” |
| “Who are you?” | “It’s me, your son. Don’t you remember?” | “I’m Mike. I’m here to spend the afternoon with you.” |
A few habits make these moments easier:
- Skip “Do you remember?” It’s a quiz they can’t pass. Share the memory instead: “I remember when you took us to Cantigny every summer.”
- Keep it short and simple. One question or idea at a time.
- Watch your tone and body language. They’ll pick up on frustration even when the words are kind.
- Redirect gently. A walk, a snack, a song, or a photo album can turn a hard moment around.
- Give yourself grace. You’re going to say the wrong thing sometimes. Everyone does.
How does communication change as Alzheimer’s progresses?
Where the disease is at keeps moving, so your approach moves with it.
Early stage
Your parent can still take part in decisions. This is the time to include them in planning, ask what matters most to them, and talk about the future while they can weigh in.
Middle stage
Memory gaps, confusion, and mood changes grow. This is where responding to feelings over facts matters most, and where routines and a calm environment do a lot of the work.
Late stage
Words matter less. Touch, music, a familiar voice, and simply being present become the main ways you connect.
What if your family isn’t on the same page?
One of the most common things Hadi sees is families who don’t agree. One sibling thinks Mom is fine. Another is handling everything and running on empty. Someone lives out of state and only sees the good days on the phone.
We see the same thing at Senior Placement Solutions. Often the hardest part of a memory care conversation isn’t the parent. It’s getting everyone in the family looking at the same picture. Meeting the disease where it’s at applies here too. It means being honest about where your parent actually is today, not where they were last year or where someone hopes they are.
If your family is stuck, a neutral third party can help. That might be a doctor, a counselor through the Alzheimer’s Association, or an advisor who has walked dozens of DuPage families through this exact decision.
How can Alzheimer’s caregivers avoid burning out?
November is National Family Caregivers Month and Alzheimer’s Awareness Month, so this is a good time to say it plainly: caring for someone with Alzheimer’s is exhausting. Illinois caregivers give hundreds of millions of hours of unpaid care every year, and many do it while working and raising their own kids.
You can’t meet the disease where it’s at if you’re running on nothing. A few places to start:
- The Alzheimer’s Association 24/7 Helpline at 800-272-3900. Free, any time of day or night.
- A local support group. Hearing from people a few steps ahead of you helps more than most people expect.
- Respite care. A short stay at a memory care community gives you a real break and gives your parent a safe place to be.
When is it time to consider memory care?
At some point, a lot of families realize that love and good communication aren’t enough to keep their parent safe at home. Wandering, missed medications, falls, and caregiver burnout are the most common reasons families call us.
That’s not a failure. A good memory care community is built around meeting residents where they are. The staff are trained in exactly the approach Hadi teaches, the days are structured around routine, and the building is designed for safety. Many families tell us they finally got to go back to being a son or daughter instead of a full-time caregiver.
Senior Placement Solutions helps families across DuPage County and the western suburbs find the right memory care community, at no cost to the family. We know these communities personally, and we’ll help you compare options, tour, and plan the move at a pace that works for your parent.
Watch the full conversation with Hadi Finerty
Optional: embed Hadi’s episode here
Hadi’s episode of Continuum goes much deeper on early signs, family conflict, caregiver support, and where Alzheimer’s research is heading. Watch the episode with Hadi Finerty here.
If you’re caring for a parent with Alzheimer’s and wondering what comes next, call us at 630-604-8928 or visit spsllc4u.com. We’re happy to just talk it through, no pressure.
Frequently asked questions about talking to a parent with Alzheimer’s
Should I correct my parent when they have Alzheimer’s?
Usually no. Correcting someone with Alzheimer’s rarely helps them remember and often leaves them confused, embarrassed, or grieving again. Respond to the feeling behind what they said, then gently redirect.
What does “meet the disease where it’s at” mean?
It means stepping into your loved one’s reality instead of pulling them into yours. The goal of each conversation becomes helping them feel safe and respected, not getting the facts right.
What should you not say to someone with Alzheimer’s?
Avoid “Do you remember?”, “I already told you,” and reminders that a loved one has died. These quiz or correct the person and tend to cause distress. Share memories and validate feelings instead.
Is it OK to tell a small lie to someone with dementia?
Many caregivers use gentle redirection or “therapeutic fibbing” to avoid repeated distress, such as saying Dad is “out right now” instead of retelling his death. The aim is comfort, not deception. A doctor or the Alzheimer’s Association can help you decide what fits your family.
When is it time for memory care?
Common signs include wandering, missed medications, falls, unsafe behavior at home, and a caregiver who is burning out. If safety or your own health is slipping, it’s time to look at memory care options.
Where can families in DuPage County get help with Alzheimer’s care?
The Alzheimer’s Association 24/7 Helpline (800-272-3900) offers free support and local resources. For memory care placement, Senior Placement Solutions helps families in DuPage County and the western suburbs at no cost. Call 630-604-8928.